Its a Girl!

On Dec 4Th I went in for my 20 week ultra sound, this is the second ultra sound Ive had, so there was a huge difference in what I saw compared to my little bean baby at 6 weeks! The doctor scared me at first, he was talking so fast and had me pull down my pants seconds into walking into the room! haha but as we got started he wasn't as bad as I thought, he was very informative!
My sister, Mom, and my friend Laura all came to my appointment. It was a cool experience for all of us, the doctor went through everything, the heart, brain, kidneys, spine, etc. I was glad that everything was working fine and in place! (I watched too much TLC before this.. conjoined twins, two heads, etc. I advise not doing that!) Its crazy to see a little human being growing inside of you, moving around, I cant explain it but after seeing a face, hands, feet, arms, legs, and knowing that its a little girl really makes it that much more real!
Ive went through the roller coaster of emotions when I first found out, and Ive been so sick the first few months that Ive lost some weight, so having to wait 5 months to even get a baby bump is kind of nerve racking! I guess I could say I'm lucky I haven't been getting huge haha, but It just makes you sit and say to yourself, "I know your in there, but it doesn't seem real!"
I'm so excited to be having a girl, were still deciding on names, if anyone has some suggestions please share!
I will be updating with pictures soon, but we also got a video from the ultra sound, here is a clip from it!

Update.

If you don't know, well now I'm telling you!
I'm having a baby girl in April! Surprise!

Ive started a new blog, u can find it from this profile, or go to http://fluorecentcoloreddreams.blogspot.com

I will be trying my hardest to update that as much as possible... I'm slacking a bit, so keep a look out for pictures from the ultra sound, they will be up soon, along with how everything is going. 4 more months to go!
I will still be blogging about random things here and there so read both! ;)

Winning lotto ticket please!

Economy.. you suck!
As of Tomorrow I will be officially out of a job! This lovely company I work for will be shutting there doors.. well they will be moving from Utah and going to California, so "technically" I still have a job, If I chose to relocate. Which I'm not.
They just dropped the bomb last week telling us there was 3 weeks left, well really we got one. So everyone is frantically looking for a new job, leaving work on lunch break to do interviews and applying for unemployment. That i can tell you is such a fun process, so easy and fast. NOT. First you have to apply online, then apply for the job search, so they know your looking for a job, then they send you paperwork to send back then they send it to your employer and bla bla bla! Pretty much by the time it gets to where its supposed to go and gets approved ill be nickle and dime'in it!
My concern is do I look for a job, be able to work for 3 months or so, tell them I need time off and then hope they still want to hire me. I might take this opportunity and go back to school, they have an approved school for dental assisting through work force services so I might do that, or I might go back and do hair, chances are my mom will be opening a salon! As mad as I am that ill be out of a job, maybe it will bring good things. I'm glad I have family and friends helping me out, being pregnant and unemployed is a load of STRESS. But ill make it through. We will see how it goes!

Today I went to the Doctors and I am 18 weeks pregnant! Don't worry, I didn't just find this out.. Its just been a weird process getting up to this point, feeling OK about it, and well accepting it. Ive been meaning to write about the experience, post some pictures and tell details.. but Ive been slacking! Ill make sure to post my ultrasound pictures, and a current picture of me, even tho as of today Ive only gained a pound from my last appointment! Slowly but surely ill be showing more, its becoming a little bit more real! I find out what im having on Dec 4th, so excited!

4 days of sunshine.

Wednesday I came back from my 4 day weekend in Los Angeles California! I flew down Sat night after I went to a Utes football game, first college football game Ive been too, it was fun, I sported a Utes hoodie, but it rained and it was freezing so perfect timing to get on a plane to California! I flew down with Mike and a couple of his friends, Mike also has a friend that Lives in LA so we got to stay with him.
Mike got us tickets to the Lakers season opener basketball game! I was so excited to actually be there, watching them play at home! We got down there 2 days before the game so we got to go to the Santa Monica Pier and ate at the restaurant there called Mariasol. The next day we went to Venice beach, walked down the boardwalk and swam in the ocean! It was so nice and sunny there, a little cool at night but perfect weather! The next day was game day, we got ready early and headed to the staples center so we could get parking and eat. We decided to eat at the ESPN restaurant across from the staples center and also the nokia theater, which just so happened to be playing the premier of Michael Jackson movie This is it! They had a sort of red carpet thing set up, cameras, playing all his songs! I was excited to see what celebs would show up! It was so busy tho, we ended up leaving to eat at a different place. As we arrived at the staples center to wait in line, we got to watch the big screen across the street showing the celebs show up, I noticed Jennifer Love Hewitt, and guy from American Idol, not really top of the list, but it was cool to almost be right there!
Doors opened and we headed in, I was on a mission to find a purple jersey, but ended up with a zip up jacket instead, but its cute and I was all geared up and ready to cheer! (oh and also my toe nails and finger nails were painted purple and gold, and i was wearing yellow shoes and accessories!)
the game was awesome, we won by almost 10 pts! Afterwards Mike noticed the guitarist for the band tool and him and his friends got a picture with him, wish I would have seen the Kardashians! haha I did notice Jack Nicholson and Heather Locklear in the crowd, and sadly no.. I did not get to lick any Kobe sweat. It was a fun trip, cant wait to go back, going home to snow was no fun!

Here's a few pics from the trip.

Utes game before leaving.

Me & Mike.

Santa Monica

The boys on the beach.

Me.

Venice Beach.



The Nokia theater..This Is It premier.

Staples Center!

Finally made it..
Just my man ;)If the Lakers keep the opponent under 100 pts they give you coupons for free tacos and jack in the box!... I was too busy in the store to get one ;(

So Excited they won!

Adam Jones from Tool.

These are the free shirts they give you when you get in!

Music Therapy.

So.. I might have to apologize for a previous post, the one about Mariah Carey ,because today I listened to her new CD, and I found a song I LOVE its exactly how I feel right about now, well have felt. You know how I love my love/breakup songs. They help me cope. The song is called Hate You. Here are the lovely lyrics, I suggest you take a listen.


Once upon a time
We swore not to say goodbye
Something got a hold of us
And we changed
And you sat alone in pride
And I sat at home and cried
How'd our fairy tale just end up this way?

We went round for round
Til' we knocked love out
We were laying in the ring
Not making a sound
And if that's a metaphor of you and I
Why is it so hard to say goodbye?

I can't wait to hate you
Make you pain like I do
Still can't shake you off
I can't wait to break through these emotional changes
Seems like such a lost cause
I can't wait to face you
Break you down so low that there's no place left to go
I can't wait to hate you


We went round for round
Til' we knocked love out
We were laying in the ring
Not making a sound
And if that's a metaphor of you and I
Why is it so hard to say goodbye?

I can't wait to hate you
Make you pain like I do
Still can't shake you off
I can't wait to break through these emotional changes
Seems like such a lost cause
I can't wait to face you
Break you down so low that there's no place left to go
I can't wait to hate you

No need to call my phone
Because I changed my number today
And matter fact I think I'm moving away
Sorry the frustrations got me feelin' a way
And I just keep having one last thing to say
And I just want to hold you, touch you, feel you
Be Near you, I Miss you babe
I am tired of tryin to fake through
But there is nothing I can do
Boy I can't wait to hate you

I can't wait to hate you
Make you pain like I do
Still can't shake you off
I can't wait to break through these emotional changes
Seems like such a lost cause
I can't wait to face you
Break you down so low that there's no place left to go
I can't wait to hate you

Blablableebloo.

Ill give you a blog!
Here goes.

His name is Michael, id like to say hes a "significant" other but right now that word is not in my vocabulary. Mike wants me to "blog" about him, he should know by now I don't like being told to do something, and especially when hes telling me to blog about him and say all these nice things just to boost his ego. I'm annoyed.
Sure I have nice things to say about him, but right now were not getting along.. Its not that I don't want us to get along, I don't like arguing, but like Ive said before.. my fuse is only so long! I cant help it, its like word vomit, it comes up and out and I cant stop myself from being so bratty. I cant not be a smart ass, or sarcastic, I cant help it!! I know sometimes this can hurt his feelings and I do feel bad, I don't want to always be this mean vicious person. I'm really nice!

Mike is someone I never saw myself getting involved with, we hung out, had things in common and I really loved his company, then I guess we just grew on each other. There is nothing bad I could say about Mike, sure everyone has little things about them that get under your skin, but Mike is sweet, he generally cares about me and always wants to be there. Mike is someone I should be grateful to have in my life no matter what happens between us, and I don't give him the credit he deserves. I know relationships are hard for everyone, some people handle them better than others, and i shouldn't expect him to know exactly how to react to me. I hope things can get better, and we can get along. I just want him to know that I do care about him, and appreciate everything hes done and does for me. ;)


P.S
DM asked what the difference between decline and over limit was today (after the credit card was over limit, then charged again and said decline). AHHH.

J.O.B part 2.

Day is almost over.
FYI
I don't speak Spanish.
When you say someone doesn't speak English very well, but good enough, pretty much they don't understand a damn thing I'm saying.
Thanks.

J.O.B= S.O.B's.

Patience is not a virtue I have. My fuse is so short sometimes I'm like a firework ready to explode in your hands! I apologize to everyone that has seen this side of me, but I get so easily annoyed that anything could set me off! I guess Ive always been this way, unless medicated! haha But seriously, I just have this thing with people asking the most ridiculous obvious self answered questions! Lately, that's what gets me. We've all been there, and for anyone that has to work with people and answer questions you know how I feel!

Let me just tell you a little about my job, since its where I'm at Monday thru Friday and every other Saturday, including today, FYI its about 8:30 am.

So here at the good Ol' MOA(abbreviated for full company name) We have a lovely Employee, well we would call him a Director, or Marketer (DM) Funny cuz those are his initials.I like to say he works on the outside, meaning while im cozy and safe in my (pause.. hes coming up here).. AHHH. Back to where I was.. cozy and safe in my locked office with big glass window, hes on the outside sitting in one of the cubicles which I'm sure he calls "his office."

So sure enough bright and early he comes up to the window, puts his stupid little mouth up to the window and tells me he has a card in pending to be charged for the remainder amount. OK.. So i get up, get the paper work, log into the account, put in all the info and press charge! Hmmm it comes back saying "Over limit."

Hopefully most of you are not confused as to what this means.. but Ill explain just so everyone is on the same freakin page! (wheres DM so I can explain this!) Over limit would most likely mean that you have a spending limit, therefor the amount you charged was over the "limit" or you probably just don't have money in your bank, point blank! The word it self is pretty self explanatory.. Over The Limit people!!

Ahhh. OK. So of course DM has wandered is little butt back to his cube.. so I venture off with the paper to find him. He sees me coming and has that dumbfounded look on his face already! I explain, "the card was over limit for the $300.00" He looks at me and says "over limit, how? We charged $300.00 yesterday!"

Right then I would love to explain how I'm not the bank, and how the hell should I know the details of this mans credit card spending, and his bank, and how my computer does not magically give me a list of reasons as to why the card declined!! AHHH. He literally looked at me with this angry confused look, like how could I do this to him!

So remember back when I was interrupted? Well cute little DM waddled his way up to the window and asked this " So you charged the card for $300.00 dollars and it said over limit?"

I wish I could paint you a picture of his dumbfounded face that he always makes, and even tho he probably really only stands there and does this face at you for a few seconds, it seems like an eternity and you sit there staring back at him thinking what else could I possibly say to you old man!! Of course I nicely reply to him "ya".

AHHH. Are we serious right now?! Maybe some of you are confused as to why I would be annoyed by this at 8:30 am on a Sat, but I will start to post more DM story's, and you too will start to feel my pain!

I failed to mention that right before I charged the card for him we had this conversation:

DM: Who is covering reception?

ME:I don't know.

DM: Wheres M, is she not here anymore?

ME: No she no longer works here.

DM: Well there is no one up there, what are they gunna do, is it just J working morning then night then coming in again!" (he seemed so concerned for J)

ME: We cover the front when we can, but its only me working til 1pm today, and unless they have called someone to cover the front I don't know, sorry!"

Dont get me wrong, DM is a sweet old man at times, I'm sure he means well, but sometimes its like that little kid that asks "but why?" to everything. There is only so much I can handle!

Happy Saturday!

Move over.

I like to believe that Ex's can be friends, some easier than others. Maybe its just the fact that sometimes I cant let go, even when it seems as if Ive "let go" I still like to have a relationship with people that were such a big part in my life. Take my Ex from 5 years ago! We will call him Alfred. Alfred and me met when I had just turned 16, shortly later we were "going out" that lasted a few weeks, we both went to different schools, I just got to that age where my parents were letting me date, and now I had all these fun school dances to go too! So, I broke it off. We kept in touch, we had some mutual friends, and we saw each other from time to time. We fought and it was always this back and forth thing about getting back together, eventually a couple years later we did. We then dated for 2 1/2 years! Things just didn't work out, we were young, we fought, we were immature, we worked together, shared one car, and we both had different ideas as to where out relationship was going. At 19 your really not sure where your going at all. I broke things off, and immediately started dating someone else. I wouldn't say I regret it, but I wouldn't say it was the best choice. We both had a really hard time with the break up, Alfred and I chose to deal with it in different ways, and still to this day I feel bad about how I handled it at times. We went back to hanging out, trying to be "normal" but things just were not the same, someone always got hurt. So we would go our separate ways for a while, ignore each other and try and move on with our lives. I think it just got to that point where neither of us were going to walk away for good, so after some learning about ourselves, dealing with some life experiences and changes, I think we just learned how to still be best friends without the added drama.
I'm sure deep down inside we both still care about each other deeply, we know each other inside and out, and I'm sure we would be there for one another if we needed to be. We both have dated, been in relationships, and asked each other about them from time to time. But this time is different.
Me and Alfred haven't really talked that frequently, there has been a few messages online, but that's been about it. Recently we started talking and its been casual conversation, one day Alfred begins to tell me about this girl he met, how its a familiar happiness and he really likes her. Surprised at how he is going on and on to me about her, I think hmmm he must really like this girl. Of course I turn my defense on and ask my normal questions (Alfred goes after some winners sometimes.. no offense!) haha. I find out shes only 19, and I'm already a little skeptical.. but she goes to school with him, hmm at least shes got that going for her. He tells me her name and says there is a picture of her on facebook. I take a gander, and I'm surprised, this girl is quite cute, and i don't feel like I'm looking at soft porn. ahh releif. Shes this cute little innocent looking blonde, kinda like me! hahaha.
A week goes by and I get a call from Alfred, he says hes going to meet her family, and bla bla and that there going to have the DTR talk (determine the relationship) All i can say is Precious. So long story short, he calls me today and tells me it went great, ohh and surprise her mom does hair too, just like my mom.. weird. haha and that its "Official" he begins to tell me how good it feels and that he didnt feel like it was forced like his other random relationships, haha and then he tells me he wants me to meet her. WHOA.
He told me he told her about me, and about the breakup, but how were really good friends and how he thinks she will like me. He asks how I feel about meeting her. Of course i say I will, if that's what he wants, but to make it less awkward i tell him we can do a double date, Ive told him a little about Mike, and hes always so eager to know how that's going with me, and sometimes Mike freakishly reminds me of him, well he annoys me about the same as Alfred did. hahaha.
So I guess I will be having a double date with my Ex, not just someone I dated, but my first love, my first REAL relationship, the first person I ever got to know, the person who's heart I broke. Now I get to sit and watch him be goo goo ga ga with some well put together girl, who will probably laugh at all his jokes and rest her head on his shoulder and he'll do things and say things that I once thought were cute.
I don't know if this is going to be more awkward for me, or for Mike. haha.
Its not that I don't want Alfred to be happy, because I do. Ive seen him through his ups and downs, Ive seen him at his worst. I'm glad that he has progressed so much. I know I'm talking like I got invited to his wedding or something, but its still weird to me! I'm glad that he wants my approval, or support and I'm glad hes been honest with her, and glad that we can still have a friendship. I'm happy with the way things are, but I guess its still that little stab, like Ouch.. your really not thinking about me! haha. Ohh. All I can say is at least she doesn't have illegitimate children shes trying to pass off as his, or the nic-name RED.

Circus.

Do you have any tricks you could do? Why yes, yes I do.


Clown for Kicks (Mendota Heights)Date: 2009-08-28, 11:12AM CDTReply to: sale-hqu43-1346837248@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]


I am looking for someone to dress up like a Clown and hang out with me. I would cook you diner – or we could BBQ something. I’m interested in making my neighbor lady wonder. I have already had a man in a panda costume last month – and also had a heard of sheep come in for the day to cut the grass. (sheep do a good job by the way). A clown would be something.Maybe you could bring some balloons – or make balloon animals to hang in my tree. I’d like to have this done some evening between 6pm and dark. The longer you can stay the better (like if you could stay for the whole 3 hours). Do you have any tricks you could do?Like I said – I could cook diner and get you drunk – I’d even be willing to pay your cab fare to and from. I don’t have much to offer – and my neighbor lady is driving me nuts – so I want to drive her nuts. If you had a Mime friend – it would be cool to see you two chase each other around the yard or do relay races while I time you.
Let me know your thoughts – open to Men and Women Clowns.
Submitted By: Ken S via Craigslist

Lately.

Ive got this massive ache in my heart and I'm sick of it being there.
Some days you think you know exactly what you want, where you want it, what its going to be, and your certain.. well you think your certain.
I don't know if Ive ever been 100% certain about anything! Sad, I know. I just feel like that's the way I'm always going to be, no matter if I complete something, while doing it I probably wasn't 100% certain. So I either finish or do something by choice, or I just don't go through with something because I just don't want to.
But what if you don't have a choice, I mean, I'd like to think we always have choices when it comes to something, but what if one of the choices just isn't an option, so really you have the one choice that really isn't a choice to begin with, you just HAVE to do it. Does this make sense?!
Life has this crazy way of showing up next you in bed one morning and you have to officially introduce yourself to one another, most likely at this point life turns to you and says "so when are you going to take me seriously? " Most people might get a little scared at this point, trust me I was, but with my stubborn attitude and defensiveness I proclaim "When was I not taking you serious?!" Then I hurry and jump out of bed, rush around my cluttered room to find I have no clean laundry, now I'm going to be late for work, and realize I have to spend my last 10 bucks on gas. Right then life has to make some smart ass comment like "Real responsible!" OK, I get it.
Why is it that things never really happen the way you expect them too? You could sit and plan your whole life out step by step, and then one day your sitting there thinking, WOW this wasn't in the plan at all. So you go through all the options of how to get it back on track, but really your just headed down a different one. Life gives you bumps, sharp turns and complete stops, but that's where we write our NEW plan, we can add to our old one, we can make changes, we can eventually get back on track. Its hard. Sooo hard. There's a million things I'd love to do differently, a million ways I think I could change something/someone to make things the way I want them, but Its time to face the music, its time to take life by the hand.

Life.

BIG things are coming.

04/2010

Preggo!

Bug.

Mariah Carey.
Her so called "comeback" with the song Obsessed. I wont lie, I watched the video & the song is kind of catchy. But you really outdid yourself MC, I'm sure Eminem is crying like a baby. P.S you look better as a man.

Beautiful

thanks to Courtney, you have a wonderful link above. ;)

Attempts.

So this weekend Mike & I are house sitting for some friends of ours, I'm excited because they have a pool, which means I can work on my tan, and justify swimming.. or wading as a work out! I'm also excited because we actually will have a living room & kitchen to use without either of our roommates, well his roommates my Grandma.. ha ha.
I'm a little nervous though because I'm supposed to make dinner, you know the get home have dinner ready before HE comes home... AWKWARD. First off I rarely cook, I'm a fast food junkie, throw it in the microwave, add hot water kind of girl. The last time I cooked for my self was a couple days ago and I made Velveeta shells and cheese, and corn on the cob. I boiled water and threw it all in! I would love to test my skills at making something "homemade" but I'm sure it wont end up like that.
My plan is to make pasta, and I found a recipe for spicy Alfredo sauce, that's about as authentic its gonna get. I might make some chicken to go with it, I'm sure I cant mess that up! Maybe I'll top it off with a bottle of wine, how romantico.. ♥
Ill make sure to get a real good sappy chick flick too! I'm so excited to try this out, be all cute and play house. I'm sure Mike is a little scared to see what's up my sleeve, but I'm determined to impress!

Need,want,desire.

"So, it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? Thirty years from now, forty years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him,Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again, if I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out."

-The Notebook

"It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone."

-Marilyn Monroe

( You can find other quotes/pictures/love story's on one of my favorite blogs)

Here.

It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much.

When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost.

There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can’t live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses.

Quotes from-2 Days In Paris

What a cute website .

"Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable."-Wizard of Oz

" Love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares."-William Shakespeare

Lovely.

What you should know.

I'm stubborn, and the more you tell me not to do something, I will do it.

I don't like to be told what to do or say, so ill continue to do things weather you like it or not.

I will voice my opinion a little more than I should. (word vomit)

I don't take advice when its SHOVED in my face, so if your concerned about the choices I'm making find another approach.

I'm lazy, I have a serious case of A.D.D and I am RARELY on time, please bare with me.

I like to people watch, if that's rude to you, I'm sorry. Its not that I want to make fun of people, but people are interesting.

I like to argue sometimes, mostly when I think I'm right, which is most of the time.

I'm always hungry, and if I haven't eaten ill probably be really cranky. So feed me.

I care too much, and sometimes care too little.

I'm sensitive, I cry, and sometimes I take things too personal, so a JK after a not so funny joke might help.

I like my sleep.

I like my depressing sad love songs.

I like being the center of attention.

I love to dance, and when I'm in the zone please don't air hump me.

I don't get offended easily so don't be surprised when I come back with something just as vulgar to say/do. You shouldn't have tempted me.

I will buy some unnecessary things before I pay my bills. Unless I hand you the money and you take the time to pay them for me.

I am irresponsible.

I'm 23, and still irresponsible.

I plan on doing something about it, eventually.

I'm sarcastic, I love sarcasm.

I get annoyed easily. Please chew with your mouth closed, and don't tap. On anything.

I love music, but I can hardly listen to one song all the way through, and if i do ill probably put it on repeat, if you hate this, don't drive with me.

I hate people telling me how to drive.

I hate the overly loud sigh people let out to secretly let you know they are annoyed, just tell me, because now that you sighed I'm annoyed with you.

I hate reverse psychology. I know when your trying to use it.

I hate when people state the obvious, thank you but I'm already aware of whats right in front of my face.

I don't know you, so please don't call me babe,hun,sweetie,doll, etc.

I do things on purpose sometimes just because I know someone will get mad.

I think I'm the funniest person ever.

I think too much.

I worry a lot.

I keep things to myself.

I like to keep people guessing.

I want everyone to like me.

I don't care if certain people don't.

I'm shy.

I don't like doing things by myself, but when I do I feel so liberated!

I start things, sometimes I finish things.

I'm done.



You might have to take me with an aspirin and a strong drink, but these don't all come at once. Enjoy.

Take it or leave it.

We've all heard the saying "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Well Lately its been a HUGE eye opener, and especially in the "dating" Scene. Its funny how one minute you want this committed, love each other unconditionally relationship, and the next minute you have someone wanting to give it to you, you don't want it. Now I'm in this situation where everything I wanted is something someone wants from me, now I'm the bad guy doing the same thing someone did to me.. not committing, being there, but not as a whole, saying and doing things, but not all the time. I step back and look and I think "this is exactly what the person I loved was doing to me" To some extent.

I don't know what it is, I feel like I'm stuck in this 90% rut, where I'm still searching for the 10% in some aspect of the relationship that I cant find. Do I settle? Do I take the 90% and run? Is it possible to find someone who I feel is 100% of what I want? Even when I felt like I had found my 100% match, when I knew that he was someone I wanted to be with, was it really 100%? No. Because I was 100% not him. He wasn't committing, he wasn't giving me all the attention I wanted, He wasn't WITH me, it was this crazy thing we liked to call a "relationship" but wasn't.

I would hate for someone to feel the way I felt, I don't want someone to put up with my crap, be there, comfort me, tell me how awesome I am, express how much they care about me but not get the same in return.

Why would I want someone to feel the pain that I still feel. I want to give my ALL to someone, I want to have someone cherish me, take care of me, love me, but I know that I need to love myself in order to let someone love me. I'm trying to move on, I'm trying to do things that make me happy, I'm trying to live my life with the expectations that sometimes you cant always get what you want, you cant change someone to be someone you want. Maybe my heart just needs to take a vacation!

All in all, I am happy, and I'm excited to see where things go, but sometimes the past comes lingering in and it stings a little. I feel like ill always be re-applying band aids to temporarily heal the wound. But I take a deep breath, put on my big girl panties and deal with it! ;)

P90X

I really think I'm going to try this out.

Ive never really worried too much about my weight, and Ive always embraced my BIG butt. But now I feel like I need a cover up to go to the pool, and I feel like I cant even wear a normal t shirt without someone wanting to poke me in the stomach thinking its cute. Its not cute.

So since I owe Golds Gym $400 I should probably work out at home. As soon as I get this hot little item in my hands ill keep you posted on how its going!

Everytime...

you call, I cant help but wonder how you still continue to act like it's nothing.
When I know I'm SOMETHING to you... and truth is, this time when you called, I missed someone else. I don't want you to be un-happy, but sometimes it feels good to know that you are. Because for once I'm actually HAPPY without you, and as much as I want to be happy with you, I need to live my life with REAL expectation's. I love you and it's not fair that I don't let myself love someone else.



07/14/09
I wrote the above paragraph over a week ago and never posted it, but now I have more reason too, because our recent conversation made me think. When you said "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? "
I fell asleep and never responded. But I thought about this lately, and I think that as selfish as it sounds I think we should put ourselves first. Why shouldn't we be happy before we worry about making other people happy, or doing things just because other people think its the "right" thing to do. Its not fair to ourselves, or the people we are around, or with, if were only there because were afraid of hurting them, or worried about what other people might think.
Sometimes the wrong thing and the right thing are the same things.
That's what I would have said to you.

Amusement park... but no 50 cents.

Sunday Me & Mike, along with his friend Matt, and his GF Ashley, all went to lagoon! It was soo much fun, and sooo HOT! I got some good tan lines, and enjoyed the adrenaline rush!

Drivin'

Me & Mike gettin' some shade ;)

Bein' goofy/Some of Mike's Friends.

The 4 of us/ Waitin' & Posin'.. again!

That's Matt & Ashley ahead of us.. aww.

After 8 hours of fun I get crazy!

Rejection.

Its easy when your the only one who knows about it... but when several other people know your getting rejected, its a little embarrassing.



That's why you should never announce that you find someone attractive at your place of work, it gets out and then all of a sudden you hear that its a one way street. AWESOME.



It stings a little, then you start going through all the options in your head as to WHY.



Am I not cute enough?



Maybe he thinks I'm fat!



I should have dressed up today..



The list goes on.



REALLY.. It was just attraction, and kinda funny at first, then it just got blown out of proportion.

But I realize that I have dated guys that already think I'm cute enough, not fat, and think I look great even when I don't dress up. So what's one visually appealing guy worth? Nothing really... just easy on the eyes.

Infatuation.

I would hate to be a guy sometimes.

The pressure of liking the cute girl in the office, do you strike up a random conversation, send a wink and a smile, boldly ask for her number? I don't know how you boys do it, because I cant get up the nerve to say hi, or ask his name, and the only thing I could do was send a message on facebook stating who I was with a haha and a hi! I later got told that it was CREEPY. So now I'm sitting here feeling like the creepy office girl, who creepily found you on facebook, and creepily sent you a message, but doesn't have the balls to say "Hi."

I'm 23, and not in junior high, but I still feel like I need a wing man to send the message in hopes that he'll conjure up the nerve to say something to me. Turns out hes just as shy. So until something happens, ill still be "creepily" walking by not saying a word, and creepily admiring from a far.

Im usually very outgoing and I have a lot of guy friends, but when im the one who is interested its sooo much harder than if I know they are interested in me. Ahhh updates are sure to come.

FYI

I went to Pony Express days this weekend.. I found 2 things enjoyable there.. the cotton candy and the game where you win an actual goldfish! After my friend Mike spent $5 on the game he finally won me my fish! I named him Kobe. (me and mike are Lakers fans haha).

He's not very lively.. but then again he is a carni fish. Poor guy. He now occupies my desk at work. ;)

You.

Lately ive been slowly coming out of this love hibernation ive been in, ive expanded out into the world of getting to know people and letting them get to know me.... not as fun and well planned out as it was in my head. When someone leaves you, when someone gives you no option but to try and move on, even if its not what you want to do, when things start to look good and you go longer than a day without thinking of that person, when months go by without seeing that person, when you start to think to yourself... wow this is it, there really is no turning back... they suddenly pop back into your life in the most unexpected kind of way.. and BOOM. Your now back into the viscious cicle you were before, your heads spinning, your heart is aching, you smile, you cry, you get angry.. and then your heart turns off any emotion it ever had towards any one else. Where do I go from here? Do I hold on to that little ounce of hope that things will go back to the way they were, do I continue to hold myself back? I feel like im damaged and broken and no one will want anything to do with a girl whos a little on the wrecked side, a little bruised. Its not that I find reasons not to like someone who likes me, I dont do this on purpose, I dont know what it is.

On another note...

Ive been this person that pretends... pretends im ok, pretends that nothing bothers me.. But its actually been eating away at me.. I know that if my feelings are hurt, if I feel like im being treated unfairly, even if the other person might not think so, its my heart, my feelings and I shouldnt be concerned if someone else thinks I dont have a right to feel that way. I should have spoke up, stood up for myself, and let it be known that I wanted things and that the way it was was hurting me... but I didnt, and where did it get me? Did it get me any farther than I would be if I would have spoke up? No. I might be in the same place, but with a lot less heartache. We fight for love, we ache for love, we hurt for love. Admitting to myself that ive let people walk all over me is pretty hard, just having to admit anything like that to yourself is hard.

And on another note...

You made me patient, and I learned a lot about myself.. you made me strong, I learned how to deal with pain on a regular basis. But im not patient, im not that strong, but I fealt like I needed to prove something to you.. I thought that eventually you would appreciate my way of being there when you needed me to, my way of still sticking around through all the bullshit.. that you clearly knew was bullshit. I keep hoping that ill wake up from this really bad dream.. but I dont.

Rehab for your heart part 2.

Another lunch break, some retail therapy.. and my ohh so therapeutic music, my now current song.









I don't mind it I don't mind at all
It's like you're the swing set and I'm the kid that falls
It's like the way we fight, the times I've cried, we come to blows
And every night the passion's there so it's gotta be right, right?




No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No, I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend
To not love me at all




I don't mind it
I still don't mind at all
It's like one of those bad dreams when you can't wake up
Looks like you've given up, you've had enough
But I want more, no I won't stop, cause I just know you'll come around... right?



Just don't stand there and watch me fall
Cause I, 'cause I still don't mind at all




It's like the way we fight, the times I cry, we come to blows
And every night the passion's there so it's gotta be right, right?



I don't believe you .

Please flush.

Is there no such thing as bathroom etiquette?

When I go to the bathroom I go to do one of two things.. or fix my hair. I don't go to the bathroom in hopes of making new friends, receiving a compliment, or having some full blown conversation with a stranger about how their day sucks.

Every day me or one of the girls from work goes to the bathroom and without fail some random woman tries to spark up some conversation. "I love that shirt" "Wow what a day today huh?" "Ahh I have the worst headache today!" "Where did you get that necklace?" All these are said during washing my hands, fresh out of the stall... or the "Love the shoes" while awkwardly taking a pee. I cant ever respond in a non- awkward, weird look on my face sort of way! I just half smile or nod, or say my "I know, huh!" line.

Most of these people don't even work in close range so why they think we automatically have things in common boggles my mind!

On another note. Why would you want to have a convo on the phone with someone in the bathroom? I mean there are times I'm sitting there trying to do business and someone is sitting on the counter jabbing away! First off I don't think everyone wants to hear about how you cheated on your boyfriend!

Last.. but surely not least.. if you cant hold back the "reactions" of how your "feeling" Could you just wait til you get to the privacy of your own home! I'm not talking about the uncontrolled actions, that sometimes cause us an embarrassing moment.. but "voicing" them is a little uncomfortable for everyone, because we really don't know whats really going on in there!

Its a different story when your in high school, at a club, and going as a group... that's kind of the reason, but when I'm in a public restroom minding my own business.. it gets a little weird!

Maybe if they had a hang out lounge, like the mother's lounge, a vending machine and a TV it would be somewhat normal and cool.. hmm I'm going to think intensely on that thought for a while, could be the next big thing for public restrooms!

Breath in, Breath out.

“Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.”-Grey's Anatomy

Ive come to a point of no return. Things happen, pain happens, and no matter how hard you try to hold on to that little ounce of happiness, sometimes you just have to let go. Its been a rough couple of months, and a rough last week or so... but reality is this too shall pass. Sometimes relationships have that way of planting that evil seed inside of us, rooted and wont let up. It makes us think that things will always be this way, things wont get better, and things will never be as good as this, or ill never find someone who will make me this happy. Truth is we have probably said this at least once or twice, maybe even three or more times in our life.

I know that waking up everyday and feeling bad isn't going to make things better, so if i have to put on a fake smile and purposely make myself busy to keep my mind off things I will!

"Love is tough, too powerful for words, never starts and never ends, never enough and never not enough, you CANT give up on love it never goes away, sometimes love is too strong for words only through expression, everyone deserves love no one doesn't, love comes from god and if ignored you can suffer far more than you can possibly imagine, never just starts... and of coarse it can never end" :)

My friend wrote this to me a long time ago, It was his response to a post I wrote. I always go back and read it when I need a little boost. I don't think he will ever realize how many times I actually go back and read it, but its soo true. So thanks. ;)

Working...

My View from my office window.. Wish I could be outside enjoying the sunshine!

I Had to take a little break and get some fresh air...

We plan on picking these flowers when the day is over... I love that summer is on its way!

Thinking...

I'm not heartbroken ... But do you really want to admit that to yourself? I have a feeling that this blog is going to be an emotional bloggercoster.. if that makes sense! haha. My head fills up with all these thoughts, and I feel the need to share them here, then maybe once I get it out, I can get over it in a sense.

Lately.. I just want to stay in bed...Its amazing how one day you can wake up and things are just not the way they used to be, I like to think that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes I cant find a reason. Maybe I'm just too much of a forgiving person, maybe I give too many chances, maybe I need to be a little more heartless. Its just crazy to me how people can just throw things away like they never meant anything.. maybe its karma. I guess Ive been the heart breaker at one point, but no one ever deserves it.

I'm standing here with my suitcase of memories, on a dirt road, waiting for someone to pick me up. I'm lost.

Two blogs in one day... only because I set up mobile blogger.. And blogging on my sidekick is sweet. :-)

Rehab for your heart.

So I went to cash my check on my break today, and was feeling a little froggy so I picked up the Rascal Flatts CD. Ahh sooo good! I just knew there would be a song just for the way I'm feeling! Its called forever. (Ive included the song lyrics)

I miss you so much
your light, your smile, your way
and everything about us
but your gone your still here
in my heart and my tears

Yeah you sure left your mark
we were just gettin started

It wasn't long enough
it wasn't long enough together
but it was long enough
yeah it was long enough
to last forever

sometimes i get so mad
i scream, i swear at this
cause this isn't how we planned it
i sit here in a cold room
prayin',waitin' on you

to run back though that door
to the way it was before you left

it wasn't long enough
it wasn't long enough together
but it was long enough
yeah, it was long enough to last forever

I've been cheated, defeated cant believe that your gone

it wasn't long
it wasn't long enough
it wasn't long enough
it wasn't long enough

no no no

it wasn't long enough
it wasn't long enough together
but it was long enough
yeah it was long enough
to last to last to last forever

no, it wasn't long enough


This song will be on repeat for a while.. Ahh thank you Rascal Flatts.. you get me, straight to the heart! ;)

I like my men the way I like my pudding

Dark and Creamy

HEY GRLZ! ISS KENZ N' KIARA HERE!
We felt we should blog about our sista Chels since she has absolutely no posts/comments at all. It's cool though, a work in progress as I say.
So today we were waiting, super patiently as always, for Chelsea to get her big bubble az out of bed and over to The Henderson home to take care of Christy. We called, and she was like
"I'm coming". So you know, we thought she was coming. Just kidding, she's an asshole.
So McKenzie called her and she said she was "walking out the door" even though we could hear the pillows and blankets ruffling. Liah.
Then, she finally gets here, like an hour later and she doesn't even say hi. She walks in, kicks the dog, punches chris and drinks herself to sleep. No surprise there.

But I don't know. I guess we should say something nice about her. Like our favorite things about Chels? Our fav. five.
Let's do it.
1. Her bangin' bod and her ability to borrow tops and never return them. It's cool though. McKenzie can just buy new ones.
2. The way she always takes up every possible parking spot with her one car in the Henderson driveway. But no, it's whatever, Kiara can just walk. She's mexican, she can just park on the lawn.
3. Her myspace is nice? I don't know. I think she's a myspace addict. She should get a facebook. We're working on it.
4. She always brings her men over for dinner, if you know what I mean. Just kidding, we don't even know what we mean. We like to meet new people. It's entertaining.
and 5. Her ghetto ass attitude. She's mean, she's lean and she's really really bossy. That doesn't rhyme but it's still true. Her hair is fabulous though. I guess we like that. She's mean, she's lean and she has fabulous hair? That sounds right.
This is all we really have to say right now.

We're going to add a picture to make this corky.

To blog or not to blog?

I've finally took the plunge and joined the blogging world! I may not be married or have cute baby's to blog about, but I figured this way I could keep up with my friends that do! Plus I find it's a good way to vent about the things I don't like, things I love, and things I find humorous everyday!