Take it or leave it.

We've all heard the saying "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Well Lately its been a HUGE eye opener, and especially in the "dating" Scene. Its funny how one minute you want this committed, love each other unconditionally relationship, and the next minute you have someone wanting to give it to you, you don't want it. Now I'm in this situation where everything I wanted is something someone wants from me, now I'm the bad guy doing the same thing someone did to me.. not committing, being there, but not as a whole, saying and doing things, but not all the time. I step back and look and I think "this is exactly what the person I loved was doing to me" To some extent.

I don't know what it is, I feel like I'm stuck in this 90% rut, where I'm still searching for the 10% in some aspect of the relationship that I cant find. Do I settle? Do I take the 90% and run? Is it possible to find someone who I feel is 100% of what I want? Even when I felt like I had found my 100% match, when I knew that he was someone I wanted to be with, was it really 100%? No. Because I was 100% not him. He wasn't committing, he wasn't giving me all the attention I wanted, He wasn't WITH me, it was this crazy thing we liked to call a "relationship" but wasn't.

I would hate for someone to feel the way I felt, I don't want someone to put up with my crap, be there, comfort me, tell me how awesome I am, express how much they care about me but not get the same in return.

Why would I want someone to feel the pain that I still feel. I want to give my ALL to someone, I want to have someone cherish me, take care of me, love me, but I know that I need to love myself in order to let someone love me. I'm trying to move on, I'm trying to do things that make me happy, I'm trying to live my life with the expectations that sometimes you cant always get what you want, you cant change someone to be someone you want. Maybe my heart just needs to take a vacation!

All in all, I am happy, and I'm excited to see where things go, but sometimes the past comes lingering in and it stings a little. I feel like ill always be re-applying band aids to temporarily heal the wound. But I take a deep breath, put on my big girl panties and deal with it! ;)