You.

Lately ive been slowly coming out of this love hibernation ive been in, ive expanded out into the world of getting to know people and letting them get to know me.... not as fun and well planned out as it was in my head. When someone leaves you, when someone gives you no option but to try and move on, even if its not what you want to do, when things start to look good and you go longer than a day without thinking of that person, when months go by without seeing that person, when you start to think to yourself... wow this is it, there really is no turning back... they suddenly pop back into your life in the most unexpected kind of way.. and BOOM. Your now back into the viscious cicle you were before, your heads spinning, your heart is aching, you smile, you cry, you get angry.. and then your heart turns off any emotion it ever had towards any one else. Where do I go from here? Do I hold on to that little ounce of hope that things will go back to the way they were, do I continue to hold myself back? I feel like im damaged and broken and no one will want anything to do with a girl whos a little on the wrecked side, a little bruised. Its not that I find reasons not to like someone who likes me, I dont do this on purpose, I dont know what it is.

On another note...

Ive been this person that pretends... pretends im ok, pretends that nothing bothers me.. But its actually been eating away at me.. I know that if my feelings are hurt, if I feel like im being treated unfairly, even if the other person might not think so, its my heart, my feelings and I shouldnt be concerned if someone else thinks I dont have a right to feel that way. I should have spoke up, stood up for myself, and let it be known that I wanted things and that the way it was was hurting me... but I didnt, and where did it get me? Did it get me any farther than I would be if I would have spoke up? No. I might be in the same place, but with a lot less heartache. We fight for love, we ache for love, we hurt for love. Admitting to myself that ive let people walk all over me is pretty hard, just having to admit anything like that to yourself is hard.

And on another note...

You made me patient, and I learned a lot about myself.. you made me strong, I learned how to deal with pain on a regular basis. But im not patient, im not that strong, but I fealt like I needed to prove something to you.. I thought that eventually you would appreciate my way of being there when you needed me to, my way of still sticking around through all the bullshit.. that you clearly knew was bullshit. I keep hoping that ill wake up from this really bad dream.. but I dont.