Ive been called selfish.. (mostly by the same person).. but yes.. maybe at times I am selfish. Is it wrong to want to do things based on if they are going to make ME happy? Should I sit back my whole life wondering? Should I just do something just to get by because I'm afraid of hurting someones feelings, because i know the outcome might be a little tough...
I try REALLY hard.. I put my heart and soul into being a mother to my beautiful daughter. I feel like I have made sacrifices, and will continue too just so I can provide for her, love her, be there for her, and make sure she is happy, healthy, and safe.
I didn't plan to be a mother.. I wanted kids, but I never envisioned it happening this way.. would i change it? Not for anything in the world. But It is hard.. it is a struggle, and yes I am human and yes sometimes I want to throw my arms up and shout I give up! Someone take over! But I don't. I wont.
I hate when someone tries to tell you "your life isn't that hard" or "you have it easier than some people" or anything that goes along those lines.. I GET IT.
I'm not starving, I have a roof over my head, I have people that love me and support me, I have a great family, I have wonderful friends, and I have a sweet little girl that makes everything hard in my life worth it. BUT I still have bad days, even if someone else may have it worse.. I still get sad and angry for reasons that might seem small to someone who is angry and sad over something bigger. My feelings don't go away just because what I'm upset over may not upset someone else. It doesn't work that way.
I don't think I try and make a big deal out of everything, or blow everything out of proportion.. but I hate being told that I do! Why cant my feelings just be justified for once? When do they matter? Why do I always have to throw everything under the rug.. because heaven forbid I be angry or upset over something longer than an hour after it happened.
Words hurt. They stick with you, you remember them, and its not just easy to forget. They make you insecure, they really take a toll on you emotionally. No one likes to be told how horrible they are, be reminded of all the things they cant do, what they wont accomplish, or how hard its going to be. Think of being told those things numerous times along with name calling.. as hard as you try to talk yourself up, you start believing it. You start thinking you deserve it. I don't deserve it!
I sit here and write to somewhat release the hurt, I know people read what I write and the last thing I'm doing is trying to get some sort of sympathy.. I write because it helps. I want to look back and eventually say.. you know what, I'm so much stronger now than I was then, or look what Ive overcome.
You know when you call a certain company, or place of business and you get the automated answering service? You can speak your options, but it never understands you.. you have to keep repeating yourself or it ends up thinking you said one thing, when really you were screaming something entirely different for the last 5 minutes.. so eventually you just hang up, frustrated, and now nothing is resolved.... That's what life feels like sometimes.
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