Everytime...

you call, I cant help but wonder how you still continue to act like it's nothing.
When I know I'm SOMETHING to you... and truth is, this time when you called, I missed someone else. I don't want you to be un-happy, but sometimes it feels good to know that you are. Because for once I'm actually HAPPY without you, and as much as I want to be happy with you, I need to live my life with REAL expectation's. I love you and it's not fair that I don't let myself love someone else.



07/14/09
I wrote the above paragraph over a week ago and never posted it, but now I have more reason too, because our recent conversation made me think. When you said "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? "
I fell asleep and never responded. But I thought about this lately, and I think that as selfish as it sounds I think we should put ourselves first. Why shouldn't we be happy before we worry about making other people happy, or doing things just because other people think its the "right" thing to do. Its not fair to ourselves, or the people we are around, or with, if were only there because were afraid of hurting them, or worried about what other people might think.
Sometimes the wrong thing and the right thing are the same things.
That's what I would have said to you.

Amusement park... but no 50 cents.

Sunday Me & Mike, along with his friend Matt, and his GF Ashley, all went to lagoon! It was soo much fun, and sooo HOT! I got some good tan lines, and enjoyed the adrenaline rush!

Drivin'

Me & Mike gettin' some shade ;)

Bein' goofy/Some of Mike's Friends.

The 4 of us/ Waitin' & Posin'.. again!

That's Matt & Ashley ahead of us.. aww.

After 8 hours of fun I get crazy!

Rejection.

Its easy when your the only one who knows about it... but when several other people know your getting rejected, its a little embarrassing.



That's why you should never announce that you find someone attractive at your place of work, it gets out and then all of a sudden you hear that its a one way street. AWESOME.



It stings a little, then you start going through all the options in your head as to WHY.



Am I not cute enough?



Maybe he thinks I'm fat!



I should have dressed up today..



The list goes on.



REALLY.. It was just attraction, and kinda funny at first, then it just got blown out of proportion.

But I realize that I have dated guys that already think I'm cute enough, not fat, and think I look great even when I don't dress up. So what's one visually appealing guy worth? Nothing really... just easy on the eyes.

Infatuation.

I would hate to be a guy sometimes.

The pressure of liking the cute girl in the office, do you strike up a random conversation, send a wink and a smile, boldly ask for her number? I don't know how you boys do it, because I cant get up the nerve to say hi, or ask his name, and the only thing I could do was send a message on facebook stating who I was with a haha and a hi! I later got told that it was CREEPY. So now I'm sitting here feeling like the creepy office girl, who creepily found you on facebook, and creepily sent you a message, but doesn't have the balls to say "Hi."

I'm 23, and not in junior high, but I still feel like I need a wing man to send the message in hopes that he'll conjure up the nerve to say something to me. Turns out hes just as shy. So until something happens, ill still be "creepily" walking by not saying a word, and creepily admiring from a far.

Im usually very outgoing and I have a lot of guy friends, but when im the one who is interested its sooo much harder than if I know they are interested in me. Ahhh updates are sure to come.

FYI

I went to Pony Express days this weekend.. I found 2 things enjoyable there.. the cotton candy and the game where you win an actual goldfish! After my friend Mike spent $5 on the game he finally won me my fish! I named him Kobe. (me and mike are Lakers fans haha).

He's not very lively.. but then again he is a carni fish. Poor guy. He now occupies my desk at work. ;)

You.

Lately ive been slowly coming out of this love hibernation ive been in, ive expanded out into the world of getting to know people and letting them get to know me.... not as fun and well planned out as it was in my head. When someone leaves you, when someone gives you no option but to try and move on, even if its not what you want to do, when things start to look good and you go longer than a day without thinking of that person, when months go by without seeing that person, when you start to think to yourself... wow this is it, there really is no turning back... they suddenly pop back into your life in the most unexpected kind of way.. and BOOM. Your now back into the viscious cicle you were before, your heads spinning, your heart is aching, you smile, you cry, you get angry.. and then your heart turns off any emotion it ever had towards any one else. Where do I go from here? Do I hold on to that little ounce of hope that things will go back to the way they were, do I continue to hold myself back? I feel like im damaged and broken and no one will want anything to do with a girl whos a little on the wrecked side, a little bruised. Its not that I find reasons not to like someone who likes me, I dont do this on purpose, I dont know what it is.

On another note...

Ive been this person that pretends... pretends im ok, pretends that nothing bothers me.. But its actually been eating away at me.. I know that if my feelings are hurt, if I feel like im being treated unfairly, even if the other person might not think so, its my heart, my feelings and I shouldnt be concerned if someone else thinks I dont have a right to feel that way. I should have spoke up, stood up for myself, and let it be known that I wanted things and that the way it was was hurting me... but I didnt, and where did it get me? Did it get me any farther than I would be if I would have spoke up? No. I might be in the same place, but with a lot less heartache. We fight for love, we ache for love, we hurt for love. Admitting to myself that ive let people walk all over me is pretty hard, just having to admit anything like that to yourself is hard.

And on another note...

You made me patient, and I learned a lot about myself.. you made me strong, I learned how to deal with pain on a regular basis. But im not patient, im not that strong, but I fealt like I needed to prove something to you.. I thought that eventually you would appreciate my way of being there when you needed me to, my way of still sticking around through all the bullshit.. that you clearly knew was bullshit. I keep hoping that ill wake up from this really bad dream.. but I dont.

Rehab for your heart part 2.

Another lunch break, some retail therapy.. and my ohh so therapeutic music, my now current song.









I don't mind it I don't mind at all
It's like you're the swing set and I'm the kid that falls
It's like the way we fight, the times I've cried, we come to blows
And every night the passion's there so it's gotta be right, right?




No I don't believe you
When you say don't come around here no more
I won't remind you
You said we wouldn't be apart
No, I don't believe you
When you say you don't need me anymore
So don't pretend
To not love me at all




I don't mind it
I still don't mind at all
It's like one of those bad dreams when you can't wake up
Looks like you've given up, you've had enough
But I want more, no I won't stop, cause I just know you'll come around... right?



Just don't stand there and watch me fall
Cause I, 'cause I still don't mind at all




It's like the way we fight, the times I cry, we come to blows
And every night the passion's there so it's gotta be right, right?



I don't believe you .