Choose.

Being in a long distance relationship is hard, but its even harder being in one with a child. I initially knew that it was going to be like that at first, and even tho I never have been fully OK with it, or the idea with it, Ive learned to adapt. I'm used to the idea that every morning I will wake up without a significant other, or have him there to help me. I know that in order to get everything, or at least half of the things I want to get done I need to start a good couple hours in advance, but even then it all depends on if Harper is fed enough, changed, and comfortable and will hopefully take a nap, or sit there and be content while "mommy" cleans up around the house, and cleans her self up! Then of course I need to set time aside to bathe and dress her, then after that she will most likely hate me so ill have to feed her again! I'm not complaining, but it would be nice to get to take a shower, and not have to cut it short, or shave one leg, or not wash my hair.

With Mike being in California, and me being here its a constant argument about who is going to move where, when, or if its even going to happen at this point. I know Mike is out there to work, he has a good job and potential to make good money, were not exactly struggling, but were not exactly able to do everything we want to do after we barely get all our bills paid. I know there is a lot of stress on him, with me being unemployed and my money quickly running out, and once it does, he will have to help me out more than he already is. I don't expect this, and don't want him to think that at all! Its hard finding a job these days, and now one that's going to pay me enough just to cover my expenses and one that is flexible with hours, or a schedule that will work with my baby sitter. I still would like to go to school, but that might just have to take a back seat.

I know I'm not the best at making decisions, I usually put things off and then months down the road I'm beating my self up about it. I just get so overwhelmed about more than one thing, its like an overload, and I crash.

I know Mike wants us to move out there so he can be with us, but he can be with us here! We both have family here, friends here, and he even has job offers here! My rent is cheaper here than it would be out there, and with all the family and friends we have here its a lot easier to keep Harper out of daycare. Not only do I not want to leave her in daycare all day, I definitely don't want to pay 500 bucks or more just to have strangers watch her, when I can have her grandmas or aunts watch her. I'm also not happy about the idea of sitting at home with my baby all day in a different state while mike goes to work. Its not like here, if I get bored I can visit friends, have friends visit me, go to my moms house and hang out, go shopping with my sister, etc. I know I could adjust to being out there, I'm a big girl, I'm sure ill be fine. But I just see myself feeling more alone out there than I already do here without him.

California would be fun, I like the weather, the beach, shopping, lakers, and I'm sure there is plenty more to see. I'm not opposed to moving out of Utah, but I just don't feel like its the best thing to do right now!!

I hate that I get called selfish for this, I'm not trying to be! I'm not doing it because I want to be stubborn, or get my own way, I simply just dont want to. Of course I want things to be as easy as they can for us, because I hate worrying about how things might go. I wouldn't change being a mom for anything, I'm so happy to have Harper in my life, but it changes a lot of things for me, and for us. Maybe things will work themselves out, but until then I'm just going to feel lost.