My V-day love.

Flowers sent to me..

Card:

 "You take my breath away today.. and everyday."

How cute huh? I'm very much loved, and am really so lucky. this makes all  of the stressful days worth it. We celebrated Valentines day the day after, Michael surprised me with dinner at Luganos, a Italian restaurant in Salt Lake, its been rated as one of the best in SLC, and it really was amazing!Michael even arranged a baby sitter! It was nice to get dressed up and have a quiet dinner alone. We have now decided to make it a tradition to celebrate the day after. No annoying crowds, hour waits, and annoying twitterpated teens. haha 

I of course did my fair share of lovey-dovey  on V-day, I made breakfast before work, with heart shaped toast! Cute. I then brought him a cute little gift home, he wanted this funny seen on tv gadget form walgreens.. its this funky sandal shaped foot scrubber for the shower... romantic huh?

It was a great V-day weekend with the love. ♥

Just breathe.

"They say follow your heart but sometimes your heart leads you in the wrong direction. To places where you could get hurt." -My friend Kadie

Relationships... ohhh relationships. Just the opposite sex in general is a bit ugh at times. Sometimes we feel as if we never win, I hear a lot of when is it my turn? I hate that, I hate that we ever have to feel that way. Sometimes you feel as if you put your whole heart and soul into it, only to get crushed. Sometimes for no reason other than the selfishness of someone else. Maybe its true tho, that you have to have a few bad ones, to get to the good one, and really appreciate it. But even the good is hard to keep good 24/7. Love is hard, not only is love wonderful and feel good, and butterfly's in your stomach feeling. Its also, painful, hard, annoying, etc. Love is like your housework, let it go for a few days, the crap just keeps piling up, puts you in a bad mood. Clean it up, decorate a little, light a good smelling candle, and already you feel better! haha my point is, you got to always work at it, discuss things, try new things, avoid the "clutter". I'm no expert in this area, Ive had my heartbroken just like anyone else, and Ive had those hard to get over relationships, the ones that scar us for life, make us crazy, different, insecure, jealous, have trust issues, or just more angry in general. Its hard to go from a somewhat unstable relationship, to a more stable one. Getting out of your comfort zone, or lets say "different scenery" can be hard to adjust too.
I think women are just programmed to be nurturing, understanding, forgiving, selfless, and generous. This sometimes backfires for us and we get walked all over, and are expected of these things with nothing in return, we go above and beyond to prove how important someone is to us, just hoping that we will get a small acknowledgment in return. We do this mostly when we are not getting the appreciation we wish to receive. I know how hard it is to turn and walk away the minute those red flags pop up warning you that this is the way it will always be. We like to try and be the exception, sometimes it works out that way for some, for most its a vicious cycle that will continue until someone decides to end it. I do believe there is someone out there for everyone, even when you think you have met "the one" and it doesn't work out, doesn't mean there isn't someone even Better. You have to come to realize that the list you made of a perfect mate, with 20 things your looking for to check off, well will most likely never happen. If it does, or has congrats! Truth is you cant mix all the ingredients together, and make the perfect man.
There are far more better things to look for in a man and worry about besides the size of his penis! SORRY had to say it. haha But honestly, if that is the ONLY and FIRST thing you let determine your relationship with a potentially good man, you will always be looking. If you let his bad breath be the deal breaker, your always going to find something wrong with someone, eventually you will be able to have the courage to tell him, hey you need a freaking breath mint, ASAP, or we wont be kissing EVER again. Pretty sure he will be doing something about it. Funny how in some cases woman really do let these petty little things determine the outcome, I'm sure we have all been guilty of this, its easy to do when you don't have "feelings" or feel some sort of connection, sometimes there are just too many things we might not be able to work around. All I'm saying is if we had this attitude the minute some lousy dude we are dating calls us fat, or insults us, or calls us names or treats us like a piece of trash, we should stand up and say, I cant stand your annoying nail biting habit, but Ive learned to deal with it, but I wont deal with the way you treat me. (easier said than done). That's the downfall to love, not that love is always a downer, but love does have such a powerful effect on us, that I think it does tend to cloud our judgement. Sometimes the pain is so awful it feels like we will never get over it, we stay in bed, cry, starve, play sad songs, watch romantic movies, cry some more... jeez females really put on a show! haha We have big hearts, we have big emotions, we all just want to be loved, and deserve love.

When my days are hard, when the fights go on, when we cant agree on anything, when I want to throw my hands up and give up... I realize that at the end of the day I have someone who never fails to tell me how much he loves me, how pretty I am(even when I'm a mess) takes care of me, loves his daughter, makes sure we are taken care of, works hard, and puts his girls above the rest. When he annoys the hell out of me, spends too much time playing video games and watching sports, when his feet stink.. and he purposely doesn't do anything about it.. I just breath (as much as I can) and count my blessings. :) People can have opinions, assume things, judge, laugh, compare themselves, but truth is no one matters besides YOU.
You and your happiness.

♥

I have too much time on my hands...

Quote.

"People come in and out of our lives and some manage to stay longer than we would like. They linger in our hearts & visit us in our dreams. "

Choose.

Being in a long distance relationship is hard, but its even harder being in one with a child. I initially knew that it was going to be like that at first, and even tho I never have been fully OK with it, or the idea with it, Ive learned to adapt. I'm used to the idea that every morning I will wake up without a significant other, or have him there to help me. I know that in order to get everything, or at least half of the things I want to get done I need to start a good couple hours in advance, but even then it all depends on if Harper is fed enough, changed, and comfortable and will hopefully take a nap, or sit there and be content while "mommy" cleans up around the house, and cleans her self up! Then of course I need to set time aside to bathe and dress her, then after that she will most likely hate me so ill have to feed her again! I'm not complaining, but it would be nice to get to take a shower, and not have to cut it short, or shave one leg, or not wash my hair.

With Mike being in California, and me being here its a constant argument about who is going to move where, when, or if its even going to happen at this point. I know Mike is out there to work, he has a good job and potential to make good money, were not exactly struggling, but were not exactly able to do everything we want to do after we barely get all our bills paid. I know there is a lot of stress on him, with me being unemployed and my money quickly running out, and once it does, he will have to help me out more than he already is. I don't expect this, and don't want him to think that at all! Its hard finding a job these days, and now one that's going to pay me enough just to cover my expenses and one that is flexible with hours, or a schedule that will work with my baby sitter. I still would like to go to school, but that might just have to take a back seat.

I know I'm not the best at making decisions, I usually put things off and then months down the road I'm beating my self up about it. I just get so overwhelmed about more than one thing, its like an overload, and I crash.

I know Mike wants us to move out there so he can be with us, but he can be with us here! We both have family here, friends here, and he even has job offers here! My rent is cheaper here than it would be out there, and with all the family and friends we have here its a lot easier to keep Harper out of daycare. Not only do I not want to leave her in daycare all day, I definitely don't want to pay 500 bucks or more just to have strangers watch her, when I can have her grandmas or aunts watch her. I'm also not happy about the idea of sitting at home with my baby all day in a different state while mike goes to work. Its not like here, if I get bored I can visit friends, have friends visit me, go to my moms house and hang out, go shopping with my sister, etc. I know I could adjust to being out there, I'm a big girl, I'm sure ill be fine. But I just see myself feeling more alone out there than I already do here without him.

California would be fun, I like the weather, the beach, shopping, lakers, and I'm sure there is plenty more to see. I'm not opposed to moving out of Utah, but I just don't feel like its the best thing to do right now!!

I hate that I get called selfish for this, I'm not trying to be! I'm not doing it because I want to be stubborn, or get my own way, I simply just dont want to. Of course I want things to be as easy as they can for us, because I hate worrying about how things might go. I wouldn't change being a mom for anything, I'm so happy to have Harper in my life, but it changes a lot of things for me, and for us. Maybe things will work themselves out, but until then I'm just going to feel lost.

♥ quote.

Miles away.

I give props to anyone that is or has been in a long distant relationship, because they suck!! All you have to rely on is a phone call, a text message, an email, an instant message, a picture, technology pretty much runs your relationship! The worst part about this is you sit there and wonder what they are doing when they don't answer or return your calls right away, text messages are sometimes taken the wrong way, and suddenly your arguing or feeling unappreciated. Now I can handle the long distance after sometime, but spending weeks, or even days with your significant other just to see them leave, or leave them to go back to weeks, or months without seeing them again is torture!

I was used to the idea of being alone, being on my own, and probably used the phrase "I don't need a man to make me happy" don't get me wrong, I still believe I don't NEED this to make me happy, but any woman who has or has had a GOOD man knows that it does help ;) Being pregnant and lonely was horrible, but now I'm lonely and have a little girl to take care of, and going from having her dad around the first few weeks, to not having him here sucks. Its only the second night, and I'm feeling the loneliness set in more than ever. Ill blame it on the "baby blues" because I have a mild case of this, and the first few days I just wanted to cry and didn't feel like myself! Of course having Harper in my life makes it a little less lonely, I have to feed and change her, and have her to keep me occupied, but when she cries for no reason, I want to cry! I wish I just had my other half here, its like she knows something is different, she honestly wasn't this fussy before he left, but it could just be a coincidence.

Its amazing how things have changed, and how through my whole pregnancy and having a baby has changed my outlook on life,love,and relationships. Despite what people think, and how different Mike might be from anyone Ive dated, I believe that everything has happened for a reason. I don't have to hesitate for one second that hes going to be there for me and his little girl, I just wish he could be here 24/7.

This Guy.

Turns 29 today.

I thought it would be nice to list 29 great things about him...so here it goes.

1. Hes handsome... duh.
2. Funny
3. Smart
4. Opinionated.. its annoying, but great at the same time haha.
5. Caring
6. Understanding
7. Tall
8. Lakers fan.. he can handle my obsession with Kobe better this way.
9. Handles my attitude.. its hard sometimes! haha
10. Likes my cooking, Ive only made him 2 meals tho.. haha
11. Human body pillow
12. Has great taste in women's shoes!
13. Works hard
14. Reminds me everyday how beautiful I am.. seriously everyday! ugh. ;)
15. I was the first person he sent roses too... ever.
16. Accepts my gross habits.
17. Likes my friends, even the crazy one.
18. Lets me cut his hair.
19. Lets me eat the good part of the hot dog.
20. Thinks I'm funny.
21. Honest... maybe too honest.
22. Lets me dress him.
23. Likes to watch movies.
24. Pretends he likes my singing.
25. Sensitive.
26. Butt man.
27. Knows how to pluck eyebrows, yup hes talented.
28. BBQ king.
29. Baby daddy.

FYI.. These are in no specific order.

Happy Birthday Michael! ♥ u.

One day you'll know what it feels like to LOVE.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to stop dwelling. I’m going to stop watching the phone. I’m going to stop looking for you. I’m going to move on. I’m going to meet people. I’m going to live. I’m going to forget all the nights I spent wishing you were here. I’m going to forget the times that it was just us. I’m going to forget the things that shouldn't have happened. I’m going to forget all the times I opened myself up to let you in, to only get hurt in return. I’m going to forget how I felt about you.


But in between everything I will forget, I won’t forget the lesson I’ve learned. I won’t forget the feeling of loving someone. I won’t forget the feeling of thinking I’m loved. And I will certainly not forget the hell I was put through to learn all this, to become a better person.

This is from a post on the blog Le Love I love reading all the stories people send in, this one kinda hit home for me so I had to post the section of it. You can read the full post here.


I believe every women has the strength within them to be secure with themselves, to know what they are worth and to know what they TRULY deserve. Sometimes it takes life's unexpected turns to realize this.

I wont let you rain on my parade just because you thought id always be around, don't try and bring me down because you see me pulling away, you should want whats best for me, you should want to see me happy, because deep down you know damn well you weren't going to give me what I really wanted, and I know that what I really want is out there. I'm sorry that your too late. I don't need to wait and hope for somebody to love me, because somebody already does.

Lately.

Ive got this massive ache in my heart and I'm sick of it being there.
Some days you think you know exactly what you want, where you want it, what its going to be, and your certain.. well you think your certain.
I don't know if Ive ever been 100% certain about anything! Sad, I know. I just feel like that's the way I'm always going to be, no matter if I complete something, while doing it I probably wasn't 100% certain. So I either finish or do something by choice, or I just don't go through with something because I just don't want to.
But what if you don't have a choice, I mean, I'd like to think we always have choices when it comes to something, but what if one of the choices just isn't an option, so really you have the one choice that really isn't a choice to begin with, you just HAVE to do it. Does this make sense?!
Life has this crazy way of showing up next you in bed one morning and you have to officially introduce yourself to one another, most likely at this point life turns to you and says "so when are you going to take me seriously? " Most people might get a little scared at this point, trust me I was, but with my stubborn attitude and defensiveness I proclaim "When was I not taking you serious?!" Then I hurry and jump out of bed, rush around my cluttered room to find I have no clean laundry, now I'm going to be late for work, and realize I have to spend my last 10 bucks on gas. Right then life has to make some smart ass comment like "Real responsible!" OK, I get it.
Why is it that things never really happen the way you expect them too? You could sit and plan your whole life out step by step, and then one day your sitting there thinking, WOW this wasn't in the plan at all. So you go through all the options of how to get it back on track, but really your just headed down a different one. Life gives you bumps, sharp turns and complete stops, but that's where we write our NEW plan, we can add to our old one, we can make changes, we can eventually get back on track. Its hard. Sooo hard. There's a million things I'd love to do differently, a million ways I think I could change something/someone to make things the way I want them, but Its time to face the music, its time to take life by the hand.

What you should know.

I'm stubborn, and the more you tell me not to do something, I will do it.

I don't like to be told what to do or say, so ill continue to do things weather you like it or not.

I will voice my opinion a little more than I should. (word vomit)

I don't take advice when its SHOVED in my face, so if your concerned about the choices I'm making find another approach.

I'm lazy, I have a serious case of A.D.D and I am RARELY on time, please bare with me.

I like to people watch, if that's rude to you, I'm sorry. Its not that I want to make fun of people, but people are interesting.

I like to argue sometimes, mostly when I think I'm right, which is most of the time.

I'm always hungry, and if I haven't eaten ill probably be really cranky. So feed me.

I care too much, and sometimes care too little.

I'm sensitive, I cry, and sometimes I take things too personal, so a JK after a not so funny joke might help.

I like my sleep.

I like my depressing sad love songs.

I like being the center of attention.

I love to dance, and when I'm in the zone please don't air hump me.

I don't get offended easily so don't be surprised when I come back with something just as vulgar to say/do. You shouldn't have tempted me.

I will buy some unnecessary things before I pay my bills. Unless I hand you the money and you take the time to pay them for me.

I am irresponsible.

I'm 23, and still irresponsible.

I plan on doing something about it, eventually.

I'm sarcastic, I love sarcasm.

I get annoyed easily. Please chew with your mouth closed, and don't tap. On anything.

I love music, but I can hardly listen to one song all the way through, and if i do ill probably put it on repeat, if you hate this, don't drive with me.

I hate people telling me how to drive.

I hate the overly loud sigh people let out to secretly let you know they are annoyed, just tell me, because now that you sighed I'm annoyed with you.

I hate reverse psychology. I know when your trying to use it.

I hate when people state the obvious, thank you but I'm already aware of whats right in front of my face.

I don't know you, so please don't call me babe,hun,sweetie,doll, etc.

I do things on purpose sometimes just because I know someone will get mad.

I think I'm the funniest person ever.

I think too much.

I worry a lot.

I keep things to myself.

I like to keep people guessing.

I want everyone to like me.

I don't care if certain people don't.

I'm shy.

I don't like doing things by myself, but when I do I feel so liberated!

I start things, sometimes I finish things.

I'm done.



You might have to take me with an aspirin and a strong drink, but these don't all come at once. Enjoy.

Everytime...

you call, I cant help but wonder how you still continue to act like it's nothing.
When I know I'm SOMETHING to you... and truth is, this time when you called, I missed someone else. I don't want you to be un-happy, but sometimes it feels good to know that you are. Because for once I'm actually HAPPY without you, and as much as I want to be happy with you, I need to live my life with REAL expectation's. I love you and it's not fair that I don't let myself love someone else.



07/14/09
I wrote the above paragraph over a week ago and never posted it, but now I have more reason too, because our recent conversation made me think. When you said "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? "
I fell asleep and never responded. But I thought about this lately, and I think that as selfish as it sounds I think we should put ourselves first. Why shouldn't we be happy before we worry about making other people happy, or doing things just because other people think its the "right" thing to do. Its not fair to ourselves, or the people we are around, or with, if were only there because were afraid of hurting them, or worried about what other people might think.
Sometimes the wrong thing and the right thing are the same things.
That's what I would have said to you.

You.

Lately ive been slowly coming out of this love hibernation ive been in, ive expanded out into the world of getting to know people and letting them get to know me.... not as fun and well planned out as it was in my head. When someone leaves you, when someone gives you no option but to try and move on, even if its not what you want to do, when things start to look good and you go longer than a day without thinking of that person, when months go by without seeing that person, when you start to think to yourself... wow this is it, there really is no turning back... they suddenly pop back into your life in the most unexpected kind of way.. and BOOM. Your now back into the viscious cicle you were before, your heads spinning, your heart is aching, you smile, you cry, you get angry.. and then your heart turns off any emotion it ever had towards any one else. Where do I go from here? Do I hold on to that little ounce of hope that things will go back to the way they were, do I continue to hold myself back? I feel like im damaged and broken and no one will want anything to do with a girl whos a little on the wrecked side, a little bruised. Its not that I find reasons not to like someone who likes me, I dont do this on purpose, I dont know what it is.

On another note...

Ive been this person that pretends... pretends im ok, pretends that nothing bothers me.. But its actually been eating away at me.. I know that if my feelings are hurt, if I feel like im being treated unfairly, even if the other person might not think so, its my heart, my feelings and I shouldnt be concerned if someone else thinks I dont have a right to feel that way. I should have spoke up, stood up for myself, and let it be known that I wanted things and that the way it was was hurting me... but I didnt, and where did it get me? Did it get me any farther than I would be if I would have spoke up? No. I might be in the same place, but with a lot less heartache. We fight for love, we ache for love, we hurt for love. Admitting to myself that ive let people walk all over me is pretty hard, just having to admit anything like that to yourself is hard.

And on another note...

You made me patient, and I learned a lot about myself.. you made me strong, I learned how to deal with pain on a regular basis. But im not patient, im not that strong, but I fealt like I needed to prove something to you.. I thought that eventually you would appreciate my way of being there when you needed me to, my way of still sticking around through all the bullshit.. that you clearly knew was bullshit. I keep hoping that ill wake up from this really bad dream.. but I dont.